Let’s not fool ourselves. The benefits of forgiveness, those we have now discussed at length, are available to anyone who is simply able to do it without any fuss. For some, it’s a good habit well practiced, and without any of this contextual ‘deeper’ understanding I have been talking myself silly about. It really can be very straight forward. And I recognise that those people exist. I know some! I resent them and will hold this against them for life (joke).
Fake forgiveness
But I need to stress two issues on the back of saying that.
One is that there are many people who are simply unable to without great difficulty. Exploring this phenomenon is actually a fruitful exploration of the human condition. This is why there have been 3 blogs so far on this one subject!
The other issue is that there is also the danger that people are, to put it bluntly, faking it.
One can show outward signs of ‘I’m not bothered’ and ‘ok, don’t worry about it’ but this can be a facade used to achieve other personal aims or look strong and in control.
There Will Be Blood
The epitome of this behaviour is outstandingly portrayed in Daniel Day Lewis’ character Daniel Plainview in the film There Will Be Blood. This is a masterful representation of someone who pays lips service to those that harm him. Plainview even undergoes public humiliation in front of a church congregation, being forced to admit his greatest sins, but all so that he can have his way with maintaining the advantages in the pursuit of extracting oil from the land and becoming rich. Manipulation in order to prosper.
As lip service is paid, what is actually happening, admitted in a scene while inebriated and speaking in confidence to someone he thinks is his brother is this:
‘I see the worst in people, Henry. I don’t need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I’ve built up my hatreds over the years, little by little.’
He is envious of everyone and ‘I want no one to succeed…..I hate most people.’
This is textbook preservation of ego. Keeping a sense of security by keeping the self in tact, by maintaining distance.
What makes Daniel Plainview’s character so compelling is its archetypal nature. It’s a human constant and it has made its way into narratives, philosophies and conversations since the beginning of civilisation.
Without a doubt I see it in myself at times when I’m in my ego, my insecurity, and my times of vulnerability. I needn’t feel shame about this because I understand this comes about when I have forgotten some basics of my reality, or that I am in an old mind pattern of relating to myself in a negative way. Full transparency once again; this is a journey and I’m far from the finished article. I doubt there are many examples of such a thing. My friends in the recovery community have to ‘work’ on this daily.
Forgiveness is strength, not weakness
There is a relationship between all these things: forgiveness, the giving up of control, being willing to receive the unknown, and having inner strength.
Forgiveness could actually be seen as a by-product of having the strength to accept what will be or what has happened. On the contrary being in an unforgiving state is a way of trying to control what might be harmful while we are vulnerable. There is a direct correlation between the amount of control we need to exert and how vulnerable we feel to the unknown processes of life.
An unpopular opinion
I understand that these attempts to show the self as something that should be let go of will cause some push back. With good reason. Not only is it counter-intuitive based on our experience thus far, it’s also an unsettling thought to consider we are not the thing we thought we were.
For re-assurance, let’s see how this can work in practice in a non-threatening way:
There’s plenty of occasions of people turning their life around, becoming new people, getting over tribulations by adopting different mindsets and the like. People literally shed aspects of themselves all the time, with great success and with nothing to fear. How familiar is the narrative ‘my whole life I couldn’t do this, I’m not the type of person who can do this, but I made myself. I changed.’
People change all the time.
People overcome difficulty, overcome behaviours that have become so closely tied in to their identity. People change identity all the time.
See how our self is not fixed? Our ‘selves’ are more malleable than we think and we can use it to our advantage at times.
The self, the whole self, and nothing but the self
We may have gone deep enough so far. It may be as far as it’s necessary to go, but hey, for the hell of it, let’s go further.
Letting go of the whole of the Self, or the Ego is at least one stage further than simply adding or taking away aspects of our ‘selves’ and there is one final point I can make on this whole affair, which is good for consideration if ‘self-forgetting’ or self-renunciation has now suddenly become appealing (slim chance, I know).
I am at the beginnings of a journey with a new concept. Needless to say it is one that has left a huge impression:
Forgiving others and forgiving the self is the SAME THING.
Yes I’m a newbie but I have spent sufficient time to know that I can only forgive and accept others to the degree I can do those things for myself.
In my understanding there is a a strange relationship between self-acceptance (or the lack of it), feelings of guilt and shame, and the proclivity for judging others and conversely the ability to forgive others or see a different reality.
It’s crystal clear logic that if you deem others as worthy of judgment, of capable of causing you pain, as unworthy of your forgiveness, as a self, an entity that is capable of this, basically THAT THEY ARE GUILTY, then (it’s because) you see yourself in exactly the same way.
With self acceptance comes the release of guilt and the same dynamic is present when relating to others.
Where there is an understanding that others, like me are conscious entities that have formed ego’s and ego behaviours for self preservation and security, then judgment and resentment is easier to avoid.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Western society contains a residue of religious guilt that comes from seeing forgiveness as a default position we must adhere to.
The term ‘turn the other cheek’ while powerful in context is ultimately something that alienates people from their feelings and grievances which then sets the stage for deeper, more harmful resentments and further torment; anger, rage, pain, illness and disease.
A more all-encompassing version of this is ‘trying to be a good person’. It’s heartbreaking but true, at least in my own experience, that trying to be a good person for the sake of it is putting the cart before the horse. People who question why we should be nice and good and forgiving have every right to do so, because generic, stereotypical forgiveness and aiming to be virtuous does little to explain away how you may be severely weakened as a result, or being put in situations where you will be taken advantage of.
So on one hand you have rebelliousness and resistance to ‘being a good person’ because of the inadequacy of the message, but on the other hand you have the phenomena of mass guilt; people unable to reconcile their ego, defensive behaviours and unable to understand their inability to forgive and blaming themselves for it. In my experience forgiveness is part of a process that truly acknowledges pain and grievance before choosing to let it go of my own volition, preceded by a feeling of strength and security in myself.
Forgiveness Glasses
It’s beginning to make sense to me that forgiveness is actually the function by which we start to see reality correctly. As in, our experience is not determined by the external but in how we see and relate to the self. And to re-iterate how far I’ve pushed the boat out: it’s the fact we see ourselves as completely separate from all the other things that provides the perfect grounds for judgment of self and others, and enhances the possibility of seeing our experience as somehow determined by the acts of others.
Like I say, this might seem preposterous. It may even enrage some. It sounds like rationalising away the bad deeds of the whole world whilst simultaneously leaving everyone at the mercy of supposed illusions, yet causing very real damage.
I hope however that these offerings are taken in the spirit intended which once again is a combination of sharing personal experience with a view to provoking curiosity and challenging assumptions. I have to own that there is an element of mischief in this blog and in me generally! I realise that these ideas need fleshing out a lot more than what I have provided so far but I will likely return to this again and again.
It’s not my fault (pun intended)
If it wasn’t obvious then I will state it; I didn’t think up these ideas myself, they are there for all to digest in various spiritual methodologies, some of which date back thousands of years. The age of the ideas some see as grounds for being outdated. I disagree, I see it as evidence as something that has stood the test of time in dealing with the most human of problems – how we find happiness.
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