Recently I came across this from some older journalling I had done….
Whenever I am struggling I am in self will and there is punishment.
Whenever I am in self will there is punishment and I am struggling.
Wherever there is punishment, I am struggling and in self will.
I’d like to say I’m partway through the process of detaching from what I relate to as self will, in favour of a different means of orientation.
But there isn’t anything other than self will, is there?
It’s so bizarre to know that one of the main lynchpins of our culture – self will – is in my experience fact the harbinger of more pain and confusion. One of the deniers of contentment.
The Voice
The voice of my self-will appears as this inner critic, this inner JUDGE. It has this supervisory nature, monitoring me and everything else. It’s very good at working out what is wrong, how I’m doing things wrong, what I need to do to be happy.
Sometimes it’s automatic and sometimes I indulge it consciously. Some may even relate to this as the simple process of using the rational mind to make decisions. I’m certain everyone has this to a degree.
More so in the past, but less so now, I utilise what I think are its qualities. I mentioned the ‘judge’ and in effect that is the ability to place value on things, including me and my actions or life situation. It has the ability to analyse, to see what is WRONG. I use it to figure myself out, as in ‘how do I get the things I want?’ What do I need to do, either externally or internally in terms of personal change, so I can be happy. For many years it’s been the ‘go-to’ when I want to improve my life.
Improving life sometimes involves changing behaviours. The thing is, I know now that I am powerless over many of my behaviours.
Let’s look at how that may be the case:
What produces our behaviours?
When you look at the complex nature in which human behaviour is produced it becomes obvious this would evade the ‘reverse-engineering’ nature of analysis, in order that behaviours be amended. To elaborate:
We could say its our mum and dad, our genes, or our environment and experiences, or a mixture of both. Maybe neither, maybe we decide on our own behaviours?! But the real truth is that human behaviours are not formed in a vacuum, cut off from inputs. They do have inputs, but if its just mum and dad, what caused them and theirs? We see this process going on and on into infinity. Our behaviour and identity is more like an endpoint to billions of the most intricate cellular, chemical, physical and experiential processes both macro and micro, that we know about, spanning back for the whole time that evolution has been happening. The system of life that has resulted in us and our behaviours is truly interdependent, one holistic system of interlocking cause and effect. Everything has a prior cause and there is no one place where that stops. Understanding how we are the way we are isn’t just as straight forward as thinking back to childhood.
It certainly helps to do this. It does bring some things to light, but it has to be done in the right way, with what I would call the right voice. I will expand on this later.
But that’s only part of the problem.
Even if we could understand why we are the way we are, so that we can change, there then is the matter of how we go about making the change, and what these behaviours should be amended to.
The Secret aka Do It Yourself
I see everywhere now, since the dawn of such things as ‘The Secret” that our lives have become some sort of sweet shop where we get to choose who and what it is we want to be. It’s now feasible to choose your personality, or even your whole identity. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some people produce grand sculptures in terms of new lives and identity, and seem to be enjoying it. I’ve dabbled myself, and seen changes happen. But there are major problems with this approach for me.
I’d like to think that for a long time, the way I went about ‘making changes’ was from a way I now consider to be the wrong way round.
Here’s how ‘making changes’ looked:
I am unhappy or unfulfilled, or insecure or in fear.
I look at what is in my life, what is happening and see It’s not to my liking.
These two things seem to be going together: things not happening the way I want (or having the things I want) and feeling unhappy.
The work begins to find out how I can get what I want.
This involves changing or amending parts of myself, because after analysis, it appears it is because of some part of me that is causing the things in my life I dislike.
It’s definitely some aspect of me that needs to change, I just need to decide what I should change to.
This probably sounds normal to very many people who are in the process of self-improvement. Very many people may testify that this process has worked wonders for being able to change their life. Without a doubt it can be a difficult process but nevertheless there are examples of success.
For me, I can become more grateful by using affirmations, consequently more happy. I can become more disciplined, I can become fitter, healthier, stronger. I can produce things that people like, that result in acclaim, adulation and a sense of greater happiness and security…maybe.
Still not satisfied
After many years of doing this, the sense of unfulfilment lingered on. Some things were still not happening the way I want. Something is nagging.
Upon inspection, over many years, it appears that there are still some behaviours of mine causing the things I want to evade me, causing my life circumstances. There are some things in me that are deeper drives, that have evaded the analysis and evaded the change that comes from using self will.
Further work is done. What are these deep drives, these deeper compulsions, where did they come from? How can I change them? How can I change them so that i can get what I want, so that I can get what makes me happy? How can I make them go away?!
More analysis, more work.
On and on the process goes.
This was the way I tried to change my life, to change me. This process is why
Whenever I am struggling I am in self will and there is punishment.
Whenever I am in self will there is punishment and I am struggling.
Wherever there is punishment, I am struggling and in self will.
This process is futile to me.
The problem with self analysis and self-will
Self will comes in at the end of a long chain of events that have produced unwanted circumstances, and forcibly tries to amend things. It definitely is possible. But is our self will informed enough?
To me, when we use self will and its inner judge voice, we are using the very same ‘machinery’ that we have already recognised is misfiring by seeing how our life isn’t working the way we want. We are using the limits of our own biased and subjective understanding of what we think life is and how it is we should proceed.
It’s like the whole system has veered off into a tiny little feedback loop, an already compromised system using its own attributes to amend itself.
to be continued in PART 2
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